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| A lesson I learned this summer, in the hardest way possible. No matter
how bad things are, cherish everything that you have, because in a
matter of seconds, *insert something* could be gone, and only then will
you realize what you have lost.
How I will survive the rest of my life without you, I do not know. Why
us, why me, why always us. When we were ready for a break, someone up
there decided that we have not had enough yet.
I had to let you go. I was not ready. Why did you leave me back alone.
If you are here and I cant see you? Will you make sure that I will be ok? Come and pick me up when its my time, will you?
You are the prettiest angel "they" have now, you so much deserve to be well. But you should be here, not there.
The thing is, I know this isnt it. The train to Oz will never come, will it.
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| // All gone, sorry.
Something completly different for a change:
If anyone wants a Gmail account, please leave a comment. I should know
you (if I am on your friends list you have more than deserved one!),
and you should use the account for yourself only. Dont forget to give me your email address and your Name (like Sarah B.).
I start work Thursday next week. Another round at the post office, again.
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| So hard to describe our family dynamics, why I am still living here
after everything. My favourite advice is "why dont you move out". It is
not that easy. Things are getting so much more complicated by the day.
Why I feel so responsible for them, I have no idea.
Every day means more problems, more drama, more arguments. I am getting
so very tired of them. I hate to hear from my Mom that I should swallow
everything my Dad sais or does, because he could be dead soon, and I
would regret it. Just last week my mother asked me if she should get
that insurance, that covers the moving of the body back to its home
country when something should happen during vacation. My jar dropped.
As if it is a certain thing that my Dad wont survive the coming up
vacation is Greece. Thank you. It will make my worries much less
knowing that. She also keeps stressing, that she will not get 60. She
is already 54. Why does she say these things? How does she think should
I deal with this?
I surf to Caringbridge sites from time to time, to make myself realize
how very lucky I am, that I have no right to complain about trivial
things. It used to work for a while, it doesnt anymore.
One day. Today. I get up, and the first thing I have to do is argue
with my Dad because I want to turn the light on. My Dad doesnt want us
to have the light on. Nevermind that our house
has very few windows, and it is really dark in here no matter which
time it is. I am too young to have to live in the dark, so we argued.
My Mom and brother decided to stay out of it. They would rather sit in
the dark than having to argue.
How do discussions with my Dad work. Always the same way. Discussing with him is not
possible. He always makes himself the victim and goes over in martyr modus
immediatly, making me this horrendous horrible person who wants him to
kill himself. It is aweful, degrading and very very hurtful. That was not the only massive argument with him on this day.
My brother had a "fight" with a chair because he bumped against
something. Anger management would do him well, but I have learned not
to say anything, because he gets even more aggressive when you tell him.
I break into tears because I cannot deal with anything right now. I
break into tears in my guitar lessons, because everything sets me off
lately. Even my guitar teacher has long learned not to touch me, not to
look at me, and what do I know. How abnormal am I really. I dont want
to know.
I really need a break. It is one thing after the other, it never stops,
and it never gets better. I am so very tired. Tomorrow another day.
Maybe better, maybe worse. 
I had to get this out of my system, sorry. I have unchecked "enable
comments" because I am really not out for attention, pity, flames,
whatever.
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| I havent been on Xanga for so long, since December!  Xanga looks different now! More options... *hmmm*
The last few months I have tried to block out everything, to make
everything normal, if not in reality, than at least for my head. I dont
think it works actually, my brain cant possibly be so stupid . Its a
survival mechanism, one of many.
Things are rotten. Maybe as always, maybe worse, maybe better. I have
lost my judgement, I probably dont even want to know. Masses loads of
problems, of arguments, of tears. When and how have we gotten to the
point where we are at now? I have no idea.
Nights are tearful and long. I have gotten to the point where I am at
my wits and strengths end. Which also means I am back to spill it all
out.
Still waiting for "the one" to make it all better. But who am I kidding. It aint gonna happen.
I am going to check if anyone on my reading list is still here. *HUGS*
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| I know that there is little that has traumatized me as much as my Mom´s two Meningitises.
There is no day where I am not scared, that she will get it again. ´
There are many nights, where I am up all night, afraid to go to sleep, because when I wake up, she could have it again.
Uncountless times I wake up by my Moms screaming, run in the bedroom, and check on her.
There are a lot of things that remember me of it.
We were Christmas shopping today. My Mom waited for us in a cafe. She asked me to buy a book for her, and looked at me with such a despaired view.
I wanted to break down and cry.
There are things happening, that should bother me. A lot of them do, but never too long, because I manage to put them in perspective again, and in the end, I know there are more important things...
(my english is horrid today, sorry) | | |
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